Depression

I've been successful by any standard. On the surface there shouldn't be anything wrong.

My kids are well behaved, fun, unbelievably smart prodigies. My wife is hot. There are fancy cars all around. I've got so many gadgets that I can't actually walk into Fry's anymore and get anything new - I have them all. My house is in a golf course community and has doubled in value since I bought it. I live in southern California. I have a pool, a playground, a home automation system that talks to me with a british accent.

So what happened? Funny - you always want to blame someone or something, but if there's one thing I learned going through this in the past it's that I'm in control of everything.

I'm the reason for my own depression, and I'm the only person who can pull myself out of it.

That's partially why I'm writing this now - I figure if I actually open up there won't be any excuse not to fix it, and I also feel that putting things down in writing will help me to understand my own problem with fresh perspective.

What it boils down to, for me, is being a work-a-holic. What motivates me to work as hard as I do is not quite so unique, but there is a twist.

I have an incessant need to be better than my father.

My father as it turns out was one of the most important men in his generation. A man of science, he founded Kallestad Labs at the age of 29. It went public, everyone around him got butt-stinking rich. He published a book. He made an album. He laid the foundational research for AIDS treatment before AIDS was even a disease. He worked on cancer research that people are just beginning to further today. He put together STD test kits. He did a lot of things I couldn't hope to understand. And then in his spare time he did frivolous things like inventing the modern mouth guard. He had a goal of winning a Nobel Prize, and had he lived just a little bit longer there is no doubt he would have received it.

So you see, I have some pretty big footprints to fill.

I don't need to meet the same accomplishments, but given my bloodline I have the capability of changing the world for the better. I have the responsibility to do so.

Being a work-a-holic is one thing. Being a family man is another. The two are incompatible, and that's a problem for me.

There was a time when I was capable of shutting one part of my life down to live the other part - hanging my coat on the door, if you will. At some point I forgot how important it is to do it.

Work stress bled into my family life. Family stress bled into my work life. Work wasn't getting done and my family wasn't getting the help they needed from me.

My wife has been depressed too. At least she has a good reason - she's been pregnant more often than not for 5 years and pregnancy/post-partum has it's own special hormonal, physical, and mental challenges that come about.

Rather than being strong and pushing her through it, we fed off of each other. We argued and yelled and hurt each other. We self-isolated and decided to be two cohabitating hermits, each doing the basics to get by bitterly. Our fun time usually was split up between eye-rolling and snide comments. We're both strong enough that this behavior didn't detroy our relationship or send us over the edge.

We tried our best not to let it show to the kids, but our best wasn't always good enough. We did a better job with the outside world, though. I guess that's what you do.

So how do I fix it? I tried anti-depressants and that was probably the stupidest decision I ever made.

Logically, I thought, if I can just take some pills long enough to get through this rough patch, I'll be able to deal with this when I get to the other side.

Good plan, but you can't get through the "rough patch" if you never deal with the reality of it.

That and the anti-depressants didn't make me happy. They made me angry. Crazy kind of angry where the slightest thing would set me off because I was more willing to blame anyone and everything for my own problems than taking responsibility myself.

The real answer is very simple, and it applies to everyone who is going through what I am going through: Make a personal decision to be happy.

The difference between being sad, happy, angry, or distraught is a small degree of perspective and self control. Sometimes it's not easy.

The easy road is to be overwhelmed. The right path is to maintain control no matter the situation.